copyright (c) 2007
It was September 1995, I was shopping for a new outfit to wear to a birthday party. Until then, I thought I had quite a bit of style and considered myself somewhat "hot," for a 19 year old with curves. In my best attempts to look "fly," along the way, I was told I was "big." Little did I know that year and the 11 years following I would begin to conceal all that God gave me behind the color black, dark blues and any shade that would hide...well, me.
In my mid twenties, I was again falling into an abyss of the fashion world down under. My wardrobe was shot to hell. Life seemed to be plummeting and so did my esteem. Even an attorney I befriended said, "You're too fine to dress like an old lady." Every so often, I'd get out of my oversized shirts, long skirts and penny loafers to wear something more fitting...it was black of course.
When I lived in Florida, I had no choice but to wear shorts---mostly 'cause it was hot. I'd leave the house, however, as the sun was setting. I was a mirage walking Downtown Disney. I met someone who found me attractive, but my hair was not dark enough to keep his attention. My curves were just right for hugging, but my soul, was too indigo blue to keep him interested.
From the neck up, I was confident. Any thing below the baby lump of my Adam's apple was questionable---in my head. It's funny, that for someone who has so much to be thankful for, I lusted after a body that was made for TV and not be content with the body that was made for me.
THREE MOMENTS IN RECENT HISTORY THAT CHANGED MY LIFE:
1. "Ma'am, are you pregnant?" The Wal*Mart clerk asked in an effort to get me some assistance with my bags. I looked down at my belly in disgust. I smiled at her because she didn't know I was eating myself into my second tri-mester. What she saw was probably some fast food that gave me fast gain aeound my mid-section.
2. Upon my return from Florida, God blessed me with the opportunity to get my job back. One of my mentees was so very excited to see me. The first thing she wanted to know was, "OOH, what are you having." My heart dropped. I replied, "I'm not pregnant." She said, "No, seriously, what are you having." To her disappoint, I replied the same. "Well, don't wear that shirt anymore." It has been put away since.
3. My womb was in jeopardy. I had to seek medical attention. For me not to be pregnant, I sure had a lot of pain in my pelvic area. Fibroids. Cysts. Possible Endometriosis. The Dr. touched my belly and it felt like there was a placenta in it.
"What did you eat today," he'd ask with each visit. My response usually included something with cheese. "I can tell. It's still in you." By the the third visit, we had both had enough. NO MORE CHEESE!
Since January 4, 2007---I have been cheese, chocolate, coffee and Coka Cola Free...apparently, these have been the sources I turned to during my depressive moments when I wasn't so confident in myself. These 4 Cs understood me when mere words kept me from holding my head up high when the only thing a man was feeling my thighs. These 4 Cs comforted me when I looked at cable and desired fame so that I could look just like the TV girls with plastic surgery or some expensive trainer. These four Cs were my heroin that I had to let go, because there is an impossible love I wanted to share with my unborn seeds. I had to let go of the Cs that would ultimately kill me and my babies to be. I had to let go for me.
Since 30 is the new 20, I've reclaimed those 12 years of being ashamed of my body and added one year for good measure. I made some lifestyle changes more befitting of my style. I am beautifully and wonderfully made to be me in jeans, sun dresses or simply nothing at all. As Valentine's Day approaches, I am going to celebrate every woman who has ever felt ashamed of their body because of standards the entertainment industry has set, they didn't meet the standards of the man they cared about who made them feel inferior to those industry standards or simply never took the time to just appreciate the skin they live in.
Raise your belts, ladies: Here's to good genes: Thicke or Thin. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!
What's next for this Brown Girl? Cardio, I have to work on my heart. I want to be ready for the one God has planned for me so we can beat as one. I love my genes and I hope to have a pair to share with him.
All of my love,
A. Brown Girl
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