I Waited for my Train and Picked Cotton

Garysburg, North Carolina - October 30, 2006

It was 7:30 a.m. Compared to the time in which Grandma Gola woke up to do her runs, I was getting up late. Seeing that the day had broken but my eye lids weren't ready to rise, I snoozed a tad longer. However, the call of the past shook me so that I couldn't stay in the fetal position but for so long. I was sleeping and awake at the same time. The spirits had me in the palm of their hands.

Aunt Cindy received news that Cousin Mae died just two days prior to my visit to Garysburg, North Carolina. She was only 25 years young. Cousin Mae died from cervical cancer---like Mom and Aunt Sarah. The only thoughts I had swimming in my mind when I heard the news was that I had to do better than Cousin Mae, Mom and Aunt Sarah. I couldn't afford to steal time. I got up!

Banana Blueberry oatmeal and juice was my breakfast of choice. Sweats and a shirt covered my body as I prepared to take a walk on a country road with no side walks. I didn't know where I was going. I just let the wind guide me to a destination even I wasn't prepared to face.

"Mornin'!" the brothers working in the yard spoke to me. Wearing overhalls and baseball caps, they maintained their smile until I was out of eye site! I gladly returned the greeting and gesture. After all, I was in the south. That's the way they do---be polite.

I picked up rocks the size of baby fists. Each had its own designs. Swirls of brown and caramel made for a great geological study. The collection would be for a cousin back north who is totally fascinated by things from the earth. Like following the yellow brick road, I had a bright idea to see where my path would lead. To the train tracks I went.

On the side of the tracks were iron nails that had popped from the wood. There were many, so I didn't see any harm in adding them to my collection of things.

TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT! TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT! From the distance, a train was headed in my direction. What to do? Stay or go? Stay or go? Then I remembered a scene from The Color Purple. In that moment, I became Celie. I wanted to wave to the conductor and any other person whose eye I could catch. Never having stood beside a track as a locomotive passed by, I stood. I waited for my train. This was my time to stand and feel the rush of life consume me.

Here it comes! TOOOOOOOOOOOT! TOOOOOOOOOT! The conductor and I waved with excitement. The next car of the train had a message for me. Henry Lee and Evan B. These were the names of some unknown folks before me. They sound like characters in a Huck Finn adventure. Black, white or indifferent---they were people I wanted to know about to see what they were thinking while waiting for their train.

Three minutes flew by as each car sped by me. I morphed into Grandma Gola who waited to cross the tracks when she was but twelve years old. The difference between she and I was that she had to cross the tracks to go to work and I was afraid to cross them because I wasn't sure what was on the other side. Nevertheless, I built up my courage to see the past and the future come together in a single moment.

A Color Purple moment awaited me, yet again. Beyond the tracks, beyond the pine trees lay a field of dreams. They were fluffy white clouds on twigs growing from the ground waiting to be picked. I wanted to run through the field of cotton and soak in their possibilities. They were once little seeds bursting through the dirt. They were now in full bloom. Thousands of little dreams were waiting to come true. I wanted them and I wanted to call upon my friends Kisha, Tracy, Tracey, Khalilah, Leslie, Liana, Carl, Shelby, One Luv, Robert, DJ, Mel, Adri, Tilea, Dre, Toy, Meisha, Brandon, Pepper, JeRee, Brice, Zoe, Zoey, Aliyah, Toussaint, Dangerous Minds, Yona, Marcus, Vic, Jamil, Helen, Kristin, Mary Helen, Delmario, Anika, Daniesha, Kwame, Marylin, Cherri, Raquel, Malcolm, Chiggy, Chris, Sandi, Mark, Monae, On Point, Portia, Danzell, Teri, Kamil, Carlos, Cedric, Tiara, Amari, Noah, Malik, Latoya, Richardson, Bailey, Ken, Jeanty, Sharde, Crystal, JaCentae, Damani, Damond, Kenji, Rhonda, KurojiNtu, Kadar, Milah, Russ, Padgett, Chantel...the list of dreamers is endless. There was enough of the dream to share. I got my piece and picked a few more, placed them in a bag and went back across the track. I had to tell the others where there dreams lie so they can pick one at a time and act on them.

I waited for my train and picked cotton. Now it's time for me to start making something of the little clouds and see my dreams and those of Grandma, Cousin Mae, Mom and Aunt Sarah through. And hey if your name is not listed, ...I picked one for you too.

-A. Brown Girl

Finding Ruby

In Memory of my favorite Pretty Girl.

Ma’s death taught me what I needed to know about life. It is short. You only get one. Live out your life’s dream. Have no regrets. It goes on. Each of those statements are finite. There are no commas to separate them into a series. They are one of a kind classic lines of literature that needs no sequel---as with life.

Finding Ruby
Taken from Traveling Letters by A. Brown Girl copyright (c) 2006

It was October 23, 2006. The sun was getting ready for its daily nap. I was to meet Sistah Girlfriend Ruby before she left to teach English in India. It would be our last face to face conversation for 6 weeks.

The winds blew heavy at the corner of 13th and U Streets in the District. My caramel flavored espresso had long since traveled through my body and the heat was somewhere near the bottom of my baby toe---and that was already frozen. I was cold but the dialogue kept me warm.

Ruby challenged me to answer the questions "How do you find yourself? Is there really such a concept?"

I pondered for fifteen seconds on how to best answer Ruby’s question. This was a sensitive moment for both of us as our lives became parallel within the last two years. We truly were in search of the best way to live out our life’s passion while remaining practical and responsibly handling our adult obligations.

“It does exist. Finding yourself is not a physical journey. It’s a spiritual revelation,” I suggested.

“Am I supposed to go to India and see myself waving in the front seat of the classroom 'Hi! I’m Ruby. I’ve been waiting for you?' Or sit next to myself on the plane and greeted with 'It’s been a long journey, I’ll pick it up from here,'” Ruby asked with playful sarcasm.

“Not at all, sis,” I began while trying to keep my brown digits warm. I wanted to count the ways she’d know true peace. However, I kept it as simple as I knew both of us to understand the answer.

Finding yourself is knowing your tolerance and being comfortable with your final answers without apologizing for them. Being happy despite obvious obstacles is the ultimate peace. You won’t have to really find yourself. Life will present you in your best form.

You’ll find yourself and all that you’re made of in the strangest places. When you forget who you are, that place will be available for you to visit, and you can reclaim what you lost. A. Brown Girl finds herself in the waters of the world, in the swaying trees, in the soggy sand, on railroad tracks built by immigrants, in the sound of a bird’s chirp, in rain drops, at a coffee shop and inside herself when no one is around to see her walking on a country road with pajama bottoms, a sorority shirt, tube socks and a pair of sneakers belonging to her eleven-year old cousin. Like the country road she walks, there are no side walks in life. Always, always take the main road. It is there you will find yourself---your glow.

On my continued search for truth, I hope to find you too.

-A. Brown Girl

Love Needs No Picture...

It paints itself on your heart.

I never knew a love story more beautiful than Tea Cake and Janie’s (Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston). It was pure and free of judgment. If ever I find a love like that, it will be to the death. Those vows, for rich or for poor, won’t be words simply to satisfy the officiate’s requirement to marry us before saying, “I do.” It will be an unwritten expression of what makes up our hearts. You see, the heart knows not monetary things. The heart only knows what it knows…it knows that it craves to be loved the same way it loves. When two hearts become one, they beat forever.

-A. Brown Girl